Are You A Demisexual?

I have met many who lack sexual attraction toward another person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons. Their level of connection it takes for sexual desire to form is dependent on how close the relationship is rather than initial attraction.

Until now I didn’t understand it. I called them “hopeless romantics”. In my ignorance, I accepted it as normal in women, strange in men.

Now I know better. It is an orientation that is not chosen and it’s called demisexual.

Demisexuality does not mean to be an active restraint or repression of sexual desires or actions. The term originated in the asexual community, specifically within the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN).

Demisexuality is a part of the asexual spectrum and is not invalid sexuality. It means that the person is unable to feel sexual attraction to another person unless there is a strong friendship between them.

Demisexuality varies based on the personal experiences and is slightly different for everyone. Emotional intimacy is a main component, usually, so some demisexuals find themselves attracted to close friends or romantic partners. Other components may include familiarity with the person and knowledge about them (ex: learning about aspects of their personality). However, forming an emotional bond doesn’t guarantee that sexual attraction will happen.

Could You Be Demisexual?

If you’ve gotten this far in this article, you might be wondering if you’re demisexual. It’s likely that you already have a suspicion that you are, but you just don’t know for sure. This makes sense, considering that many demisexuals don’t experience sexual attraction frequently, so it’s hard to describe something with which you have little experience.

Here’s brief list of possible signs that you might be demisexual:

You have mixed feelings about sex.
The way you think about attractiveness seems to be different from how other people think about it.
You like the idea of sex or want to have it, but can’t think of anyone you’d do it with.
You view sex as an obligation, or have other reasons for doing it.
Flirting doesn’t make sense to you.
You’re nervous about dating and would prefer to date your friends
When you do feel sexual attraction, it’s confusing and/or exclusive.

No one can tell you for sure whether or not you are demisexual. Only you know what you’re experiencing, and everyone’s experiences are going to be different.

No matter how strange it sounds, demisexuality is completely valid.