Do You Know What To Do When There’s No Toilet Paper? Don’t Give Up

We’ve all been there. An absentminded trip to the bathroom in which you don’t bother to check for the one that helps you get out of any shitty situation — glorious TP (preferably 3-ply). Depending on your environment, you might begin to panic BIG TIME.

You’re left alone to your own devices. You look around you. You think about texting your mom. You ask yourself ‘What would MacGyver do?’ If you’re home you proceed to perform the no-toilet-paper shuffle to another bathroom.

But what if you’re in public? Let’s asses the situation and figure out what your course of action should be, because you know it’s not the first time it’s happened, and you know it won’t be the last.

Just remember one thing: NEVER GIVE UP.

Search for other paper products.

Tissues? Toilet seat covers? Paper towels? We know these aren’t all made to flush, but those matters are far less important than preserving your pride. As the first moments of panic spread you figure out your space is limited to how far you can reach with your fingers and toes. Yes, grab that roll sitting on the floor of the stall next door with your toesies and hold on for dear life. If you’re feeling SUPER guilty about flushing something you shouldn’t, just wrap it in several layers of that something and place it in the waste bin.

Ask your stall mate for help.

Yes, really. It’s OK to ask the mystery pooper in the stall next to you for a hand (a roll). Here’s the thing, pooping may be mother nature’s most humbling act, but as we all learned early on in the instant children’s classic “Everyone Poops,” everyone does in fact poop, so there’s not need to get too embarrassed. (I mean, yes, there totally is, but calm yourself.) Someday your mystery pooper friend will need someone else’s help, so think of this as a Pay It Forward type scenario. If no one else is there, search the rest of the bathroom for paper products. Pray that you’re not at a vegan restaurant that only uses fan driers.

Phone a friend.

Out to beers? Just text your buddy who’s 50 feet away. No one goes to the bathroom without their phone anymore unless they really enjoy reading the label on the pump-soap bottle. “SOS. POO-MERGENCY!” will do. If you’re feeling extra bold, you could call the establishment you’re in and request a rescue service. Just make sure to leave a good tip.

Check yo’self.

If you’re exhausting all of your external options, it’s time to focus on yourself. Do you have anything on you that you could potentially use. Check book? Receipts? Napkins? Newspaper? Today.com suggests that if you have your water bottle on you, you could go Euro with a “DIY bidet!” Beggars can’t be choosers, and at this point you’re definitely begging.

Your last resort?

What is the least expensive clothing item that you’re wearing? Can you sacrifice those old undies? Or how about those socks or mittens? We realize this is totally gross, but remember – you put yourself in this position. And if you ever want to escape that cube of emotional distress, you’ll do what it takes. Just be sure to hide the evidence.